It is natural for parents to want to shield their children from harm. Unfortunately, the drive to protect children and build up their self-esteem can sometimes lead to parents becoming overly involved in their child’s life, or “helicopter parenting.” According to Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D., director of the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders in Michigan, “Helicopter Parents” tend to take too much responsibility for their child’s experiences and, specifically, their successes or failures. Continually being prevented from experiencing the pain that comes from struggling through mistakes and developmentally-appropriate situations places youth at risk of using drugs and alcohol due to:
Decreased confidence and self- esteem. Every time parents prevent problems or solve problems for the child, it sends the message that they believe the child is unable to accomplish the task and creates a dependence on the parent. When children are allowed to struggle through situations, they learn what they can do and feel more confident about themselves and their ability to deal with problems.
Lack of coping skills. If a parent is always there to prevent a problem from occurring or swoops in to solve it, the child never learns to manage uncomfortable feelings and work through problems on their own.
Increased anxiety. If children are not allowed to fail and learn from those situations, they will not learn that it is okay to fail. This leads to anxiety and a fear of making choices due to the possibility of making a mistake. When children aren’t afraid to fail, they stretch outside their comfort zone and feel free to try new things.
A sense of entitlement. When parents continually make changes to situations or insert themselves to make sure the child is happy and satisfied in school, sports or with friends, the child becomes accustomed to always having their way and will develop a sense of entitlement. They won’t learn how to work for what they want.
Some ways you can let go and let your teen fail. It is difficult at times, but worth the work!
Help them name and then “sit” with feelings during difficult situations. Acknowledging their feelings and then allowing them to experience those emotions without trying to make them feel better will teach them that it’s okay to feel difficult emotions and they won’t always feel that way.
Allow teens to make age-appropriate mistakes that test their abilities and judgment. A failed exam due to not leaving time to study will not keep your teen from getting into the college of their choice. It will, however, be a great time for them to experience the consequences of poor time management in a less damaging situation than they will experience out in the world. Praise effort more than you praise accomplishment.
When you give positive attention toward their coping with a difficult situation and working to manage it, it sends a strong message that you don’t expect them to be perfect. With all the “perfect people doing perfect things” they see on social media, your teen desperately needs to know that it’s okay to not be the best at something.
Support their independence. Adolescence is a time of self-discovery and exploration. By allowing (and encouraging!) your teen to be independent in areas that are age appropriate, they will learn more about themselves than you could ever teach them. Set clear and specific expectations and boundaries and offer guidance when your child becomes frustrated or needs redirection.
Reinforce limits and boundaries. Teens test limits as a way of testing their independence and this helps them feel secure and safe. It’s a good thing, even if it is frustrating for parents. Be sure to stick to your expectations for them and follow through with consequences when they are not met.
For more information about helping your teen fail safely, visit our blog at www.RAYSAC.org.
