A WOMAN WAS KILLED BY HER HUSBAND. AND THEN HE KILLED HIMSELF. We need to start with that. She was a dentist, he was a politician, in the state of Virginia, America, U.S.A. I did not know her, nor him, even though he belonged to the same fraternity as me, Alpha Phi Alpha. It does not matter if he had many issues, including allegations by different women a few years back, of sexual assault, etc. The man killed his wife in their Virginia home, then killed himself. That action alone says to me some things were profoundly wrong with him, in spite of his credentials, career, fraternity, more.
This murder-suicide happened while their two teenage children were home. The children now have no parents and have to live with the trauma of all of this FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Until we are willing, as men, as boys, as a nation, as a world, to have real and serious and sustained conversations about manhood, about guns, about nonstop male violence against women and girls, about mental health, we are going to continue to have people be PATHETIC APOLOGISTS for ugly and toxic male behavior. We all have problems, I certainly do and have. But nothing, like NOTHING, justifies a man killing his wife, LIKE NOTHING. PLEASE STOP.
There was no intervention, clearly, by hardly anyone as this man deteriorated the last few years, to the point of his wife wanting a divorce. I did my thorough research on this matter and you can see clear as day his deterioration that led to this, without any real intervention. His wife was profoundly vulnerable to this happening, and it did.
So this message is for men out there. Please stop with the corny laments after the fact. Stop looking for excuses for why we men murder, maim, rape, assault, harass, groom, take advantage of, pimp, abuse, more women and girls. This is for all of us men, no matter your race, culture, identity, country, age, generation, fraternity, brotherhood, job, career, membership, status in society.
I literally just did a program at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee the night before. Title of the program was WHAT IS A MAN? I asked folks in audience for some basic words that define manhood. When several had said their words my response was simple: “You just described my single mother. Now can anyone actually tell me what a man is?” SILENCE. Because the vast majority of us have never even thought to define it for ourselves. That is the point of our new documentary film about manhood coming to streaming later this year, WHEN WE FREE THE WORLD.
We need new and different definitions of manhood, ones rooted in love, peace, non-violence, sanity. On a real basic level any definition of manhood we have should not be about hurting people, or ourselves, or both. Look at the state of the world, be it wars, mass shootings, violence against women and girls as a global pandemic, more. We need men, males, willing to step up and say ENOUGH of this, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, all of this madness.
I CRY for this wife, the children, for that family, and all families, damaged by the deadly combination of toxic manhood, guns, mental illness, and the indifference of those around them, until it is too late, yet again. I began this day with my weekly therapy session. I have been in therapy for decades. I value therapy, I value my mental health more than ever. I cannot change what happened to me as a child, as a youth, as a younger man. But what I can change, can take charge of, is my life, how I respond and deal with and manage the many traumas that were passed to me. And be very conscious, more than ever, of hurting myself, or others, including my wife, my mother, my family.
And to not be, or ever be again, what my dear mother refers to constantly as a “no-good man.” None of us men should ever want to be that, nor ever want to justify ugly behavior while hiding behind one status symbol or another. We need truth-tellers and truth-keepers, not excuse-makers and fake leaders pretending to lead people to more justifications for ugly actions. Take a moment and read and pay attention, men, to the commentary of women on social media about this very matter. Women and girls should be treated as the equal human beings they are, no matter who they are. Not things to be used and discarded, and not wives to be murdered, just because.
Respectfully,
Kevin Powell
GRAMMY-nominated poet and author of 17 books, including A POEM FOR EVANGELINE, AND OTHER SONGS, a new poetry collection.
