As a 76-year-old grandfather of one grandson and three granddaughters, I’ve lived long enough to see how much our young people need guidance. The world moves fast, and the road from boyhood to manhood is not always clear, especially for young Black boys trying to understand who they are and who they can become. I’ve come to believe, like Dr. Na’im Akbar teaches in his book New Visions for Black Men, that we can’t heal what we don’t know. To guide our children, we first have to understand the journey ourselves.
Dr. Akbar uses a powerful image to explain this journey: the life of the monarch butterfly. He shows how the butterfly’s transformation, from egg, to caterpillar, to chrysalis, to a beautiful, free-flying creature, mirrors the stages of male development. Each stage has its purpose and its struggles. When I think about my grandson and the boys in my community, I realize that helping them grow means helping them move through these stages with wisdom and strength.
The journey begins with the egg, the beginning of life and possibility. Every boy starts here. He is full of potential, just waiting for the right environment to help him grow. This is the stage where family, community, and love are most important. Boys need protection, nurturing, and a sense of safety. Without that foundation, it’s hard for them to trust the world or themselves.
For my grandson, this means making sure he knows he’s loved and valued, not for what he does, but for who he is. It means teaching him about his roots, his culture, and the power within him. This stage reminds us that every child needs to feel grounded before they can begin to grow wings.
Next comes the caterpillar stage. The boy begins to explore, learn, and feed the world around him. Like the caterpillar eating leaves to grow strong, boys absorb ideas, habits, and values from what they see. This is where guidance matters most. Without good examples, a boy can feed on things that poison his spirit, violence, greed, or the idea that his worth depends on power or possessions.
Our role as elders is to feed him truth, discipline, and self-respect. We must show him that real strength comes from controlling himself, not others. This is also when he learns responsibility, how to work, to think, and to respect women, family, and community.
Then comes a time of change, the chrysalis stage. The boy begins to pull away from childhood and face his inner battles. He may seem quiet or confused, unsure of who he is. This stage can be painful, but it’s necessary. Inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar transforms completely. In the same way, a boy must look within to shed childish ways and face his fears, anger, and doubts.
As elders, we must give him space to struggle but not leave him alone. We can guide him through honest conversations about identity, purpose, and manhood. This is where healing begins. We cannot heal what we don’t face, and our boys must learn to face themselves.
Finally, the butterfly emerges. The man is born. He’s no longer crawling through life; he’s flying toward purpose. A true man uses his strength to protect, build, and uplift others. He honors his ancestors and becomes a role model for the next generation.
Dr. Akbar reminds us that manhood is not just about age, it’s about awareness. When a man knows who he is and uses his gifts to serve, he becomes truly free.
As a grandfather, I want my grandchildren, and all the children in my community, to understand that every stage of life has meaning. Just as the monarch butterfly must pass through change to reach beauty, so must our boys pass through growth and struggle to become men. And as elders, it’s our sacred duty to help them along the way.
